January's budget, and why I am already scared...

January's Budget.

Fixed: We are going to cut back on our cable, and my husband is working to set up a computer here so we can bring our server home. Those were pretty much the fixed areas I saw could get trimming. Sure, I could cut tivo and netflix and even cable... but we have to have a plan we can stick to. At this point, I do not feel our situation is that dire, and we do use all of those things. We are already going to lose a lot of favorite channels in the cable cutback, but we hope to get uverse in the future after we are out of credit debt and look forward to that (it is not currently in our area). I am also worried about our power bill. It has been shockingly low for winter here the last couple of months. I am scared it could come back with a vengance. It is a rather flexible fixed expense.

Debt: We will knock out CC1 and CC2 and about half of CC3. This is exciting. My tiny payments to CC 4 and 5 give me a stomach ache, tho. Those are the ones we are usually putting all the money to. Hopefully we will manage not to use them and all will go well. The payment to 4 includes the budgetted amount for netflix which gets charged to it, and the payment for 5 includes the budgetted amount for alarm, tivo and insurance. Plus a little extra towards the finance charge. (The top total is the actual total, the bottom total is the budgetted total. You should see what the non-print-area part of this spreadsheet looks like...)

Variable: We have set up "funds" for our lawn boy and our pets, so when those expenses do happen we have cash to cover. I would like a small travel fund as well, but it isn't in the cards this month. Instead, we have to pay my husband's car reg tax. I guess that is all I have to say about that. This section is all about willpower.

Save: :'(

Leaves us with a tiny bit left over for "just in case" and not bouncing checks.

~~~~~~~

I showed the budget to my husband, and he was mostly amenable. He did bring up a couple good points. One was his car renewal, which has made its way into the budget. If it is car renewal time, it must be birthday time. We hope to have some sort of family party, either out or at my family's which hopefully won't cost us anything. Gift? I guess that has to come from my discretionary (codenamed doll) or not at all. He also wants service done on his car. A necessary expense, but one that makes me nervous, and I know he will use the credit card for :( We also have to at least get a roof inspector out here. He wants some hardware for his bring-home-the-server project. And we have a wedding looming in the not so distant future. Plus convention tickets to buy (which I thought we had more time to save for).

We have a written plan. That doesn't mean we get stoned if something comes up. We will see how it goes.

On Dave Ramsey

So, I had never heard of Dave Ramsey before I started doing some reading and research about debt - then the name was everywhere. I happened across him on TV one night, and since have been watching him every night and listening to his radio program while at work. He has a little too much religion in his finances for my taste, but his financial advice is sound and I have only disagreed with him a couple of times. I like to try to guess his answer to the question before he does. I find him very inspiring and he keeps me revved up and focused on my goal. He makes me feel like it is possible.

I am rethinking my plan. I had the same basic idea - to tackle the debt smallest to largest, and to build emergency fund, but I was trying to do it all at once, and I didn't want to just pay minimums on the larger debts. I have done 100 different spreadsheets and the thing about his plan is... we get out so much faster. We can be out of credit debt in July, and loan debt in May 2011. And then have over $20,000 saved by the end of 2011.

The thing that worries me about it is the combination of not having much savings and not using the credit cards. I am scared we are going to run into some areas where we may need to use the credit card if we don't have the savings built up. We already know we need roof work - we don't know the extent yet.... We also have some plumbing problems. And two old and rickety cars. We have an out of state wedding to go to in May. It is really stepping out on faith to try to tackle these things without credit or savings.... I guess we will do what we can now and cross these bridges when we get to them.

November Income Statement

November:

It appears I had three paychecks in November. The "other income" is made up of a paper paycheck (before direct deposit kicked in) and some rebates from my pet insurance.

Power is way down, phone is up, because of the stolen phone. Only one insurance bill this month - evens out with the three last month.

Lots of debt repayment going on. This is certainly what a typical month would look like there. The CC6 was some clothing purchases. It is paid off as of December. CC2 got hit with the phone replacement - had been paid off. CC3 resulted from financing new carpet. In the months of caring for a sick and elderly dog, it took a toll on our carpet and also our wood floor in the two rooms he was confined to. The house stank and the carpet was nasty. It had to be replaced ASAP. We are going to live with the wood damage for now; it isn't too bad unless you know what you are looking for. It is 0% if we pay it off in 12 months. This is the 3rd card I plan to pay off (hence, why it is named cc3).

Our gas and restaurant expenses are down. Grocery is down, but not significantly so. Pet expense is high, in part due to funerary expenses for my dog. "Supplies" were a couple of pieces of furniture I got to make my Thanksgiving guests more comfortable. Travel is my husband's plane ticket to his parents for Christmas. I can't go - new job. My husband hurt his ankle which required a trip to the emergency room. Doll expense is down (Cyber Monday sale) but gaming is up (Our Wii has been broken for a few months, and we finally sent it in. My husband spent some extra money in WOW - god knows why). We still see some clothing purchases.

October income statement

Hmm. I am not sure if this is legible.

In order to know where we were going, and how to get there, it was necessary to see where we had been. I decided to look at our income and expenses for the last 3 months of 2009. Of course, we can't look at December yet because we are still in it, but I was able to get a good enough picture from Oct and Nov to move ahead.

Unfortunately, October is not representative of a typical month for several reasons. As you can see, we spent twice as much as we made in October. While I don't doubt we have been spending more than we make consistently, I do not think it is typically that much.

First of all, I had no income in October. I started my job in mid-October, and my first paycheck didn't happen until November. Next, because I had no income, I could not pay on my loan to my dad. This is the only payment I have missed, and I told him it was going to happen. We got billed for three insurance payments instead of two (in Nov we got billed for one...) so I am keeping an average of two, though obviously it may fluctuate for whatever reason.

The other reason is that we took a mini vacation before I started my job and my last term of classes. While our stay was free, we had increased gas and food expenses. The pet expense is mostly from my dog's boarding while we were on the trip. We had a massage while we were there, which we both agree now was NOT a $300 massage. Though it was nice.

My supply and clothing expense is very high (I usually never buy clothes) because I was starting my new job. Because of my teaching subject, I was able to get away with a lot at school, but now I work in a firm and needed appropriate clothing. It was getting colder, and I needed weather appropriate clothing. The supplies are things I needed for work, but I am having a hard time remembering $500 worth, I will have to look back at the itemization and see what else I threw into that category.

My husband paid for his WOW account for 6 mos, and I would love to gloss over the doll expense, but this is why I do this. To take an honest look at what I was spending. First, there was a really good discount sale on AG.com and I bought stuff. Then, of course after the sale, they announced Kirsten's retirement, and I bought two expensive items for her. There may be a couple ebay purchases in there too.

It looks like I put Bally's in there twice... that needs to be cancelled. The $40 expense is the kid who cuts our lawn.

The sacrifices we are going to have to make this year

In addition to just spending less, no more dolls and no more credit card use, we have some pretty big sacrifices we have had to accept in order to do this.

Sure, we are cutting back on our cable, and (after a pretty heated debate) my husband has compromised giving up his Texas server, and trying to set it up at home. We have to order less delivery, and we never ate out or went to movies anyway (s0mething I instituted during that first year, which just stuck. The last movie we saw in a theater was the most recent Harry Potter, and I think that is the only theatre movie we saw last year).

But we had some bigger plans for this year.

No Dog. At least, not as soon as I had hoped. I wasn't planning on getting a dog until after new year sometime, just because of my personal schedule right now. That doesn't mean I was going to go out Jan 2 and get a dog... I wasn't sure when I would be ready again, or when the right dog would be there for me, but I have been looking and did plan to get a dog again at some point. I don't know that I can promise NO dog in 2010, but I have budgeted a rather large "pet fund" partly due to all the pet bills we have been experiencing. I don't expect to have as many animal emergencies now, but I do have our kitty on pet insurance. It is expensive, but it more than paid for itself this year. I don't expect that to be the case again until she gets older, but I have learned the pet insurance lesson. So perhaps once that fund has gotten large, and barring any emergencies, we will use it for a new dog. It'll be a few months at least.

No 5th year anniversary in Hawaii trip. We have been planning this forever. Since before we got married. We couldn't swing Hawaii for our honeymoon, but for SURE we would be able to do it for our 5th anniversary (which is in August). Nope. It has been very hard coming to terms with the fact that we will not be doing this. Maybe for our 6th we will have our s**t together and actually have saved for this trip? While it is disappointing, it is a relief to know I won't have the weight of adding another several thousand dollars onto our credit cards this fall.

No baby. The whole baby thing is so big it probably deserves its own post. Its own blog. I will try to be concise. While I have many reservations about bring a child into this world, particularly one with our combined genetic makeup, the fact that I do not feel we can afford a child is pretty much my biggest excuse. However, we aren't getting any younger here. I have a family medical history of problematic pregnancies, and I have my own medical issues that will probably make getting pregnant difficult. So, I had it in my head we would start trying this spring (when I was past my first 90-days at work, and the baby, if easily concieved, would come at least a year after I started my job.) Because I think it will take a while to get pregnant, and because I don't want to be ninety at my child's high school graduation, I figured we should start trying sooner rather than later, to allow time to try to do it naturally, and possibly time to try alternative methods or adoption, which can also take a lot of time (and be expensive). I have put this on hold. Again, we can reevaluate our situation in the fall and see how close to out-of-debt and savings goals we are, but I cannot imagine adding the possible financial and medical complications of a pregnancy on top of trying to get out of debt. And how much better will I feel bringing in a baby I know I can afford to support?

What we like to spend our money on

Now that I have given my sob story, let me tell the fun part of our spending; the part we are going to miss.

My Husband: Buys everything electronic. He loves the latest computer gadets and games. He is a gamer. He plays World of Warcraft and many others. He is never without his computer. He also very much likes to go to Kroger about 6 times a week. He is the grocery shopper and cook in our family. I think he was a little surprised to find we are spending 6-700 a month on groceries, but tried to explain it as the family holiday dinners. He doesn't spend a lot otherwise, though he does take random and sometimes pricy trips to Walmart and the like from time to time.

Me: I have never met a bargain I didn't like. I rarely almost never pay full price for anything. I am a bargain/clearance rack/off season shopper. I get so much more for my money that way. Of course, I put those bargain purchases on credit cards. I can also get sucked into buying something I may or may not need just because it is on a good sale or I have coupons or free shipping or whatever.

My other downfall is my collections & ebay. I have always been a collector, but during our poor times broke the habit. I didn't look at ebay at all. I didn't buy frivolous stuff. Before we got married, I was big into vintage purses. I don't buy those as often anymore (in fact, I think I have bought one since we got married) partly because they are expensive, partly because my interests have changed, partly because they are getting harder to find. But they are still special to me and displayed in my home.

Now I am into dolls. I have a large American Girl collection, which has really been my downfall the last couple years. I also collect Ellowyne Wilde, Karito Kids, and ball jointed dolls, which are particularly pricy. In the past year I have only bought one AG doll (on sale), one Ellowyne doll (a custom repaint off ebay) and one ball jointed doll which I had paid on layaway (onto my credit card). I don't feel that that is unreasonable, but I have spent hundreds of dollars on stuff for my dolls - particularly my AG dolls. American girl is retiring dolls and things especially fast lately. Last fall, I was buying up things for Samantha before she retired. This fall, it was Kirsten. I have most of Kirsten's collection already, but didn't have three of the priciest items. I only got two of them, but that was around $250 right there. I only buy AG stuff on sale or free shipping, but when those are options, I do spend a lot.

My doll habit is going to have to be the first thing to go. I have budgeted a very small discretionary amount for each of us, but it isn't going to begin to give me what I am going to want to spend. Already, there is an Ellowyne doll and outfit on the WI site that I have wanted for years that is on last call & sale, and I have to sit on my hands not to get her. Speculation is that American Girl may retire two dolls next year. Ouch. All that stuff I will have to pay elevated prices on ebay later. I have a BJD doll head that doesn't have a body. She will have to stay that way another year. I am just trying to tell myself how good it will feel to be able to pay cash for my purchases in the future, to know I can afford them, and not have to stress about the credit cards going up.

In the interest of full disclosure, I did buy a very expensive doll this week. This is a doll I have wanted for a year and a half. I struggled with this decision, and is in part what sent me on this debt-free panic-attack path. He is in final production and will never be available again, except possibly on second hand markets. He is a limited edition of 20. In the world. (Justification, justification). He is very special, and I am at peace now with my decision to get him. Was it the smartest use of my money? Hell no. Does it appear to minimize my committment to my 2010 plan? Probably. But it doesn't. Think of it as that big "last meal" before you start a diet. I paid for him in full and in cash. And I don't expect to get another doll in 2010 or until we are credit card debt free and I can pay cash in full again.

A little history

While we certainly are responsible for a good share of our own debt, we have had plenty of bad luck which has contributed as well.

When we got married, we were each homeowners living in different states. We got married with $32000 credit card debt between us. That was all our own faults. I moved in with him. I was unable to find work teaching there, though I had plenty of interviews. My house didn't sell for over a year. We were paying two mortgages on basically one salary. I did have a part time teaching job, later added aftercare, and for a while had two additional part time jobs. I eventually burnt out and dropped the other two jobs. We were very very poor. I was pretty miserable, and it did not make for a good start to our marriage. There were many times I almost just came home. I guess ultimately, that is what I did. After another school year started, and I still hadn't gotten a job, I started looking at jobs back home. I applied for one, and within the hour the principal had called me to come for an interview. I booked a flight home and went in for the interview. I had a whole portfolio of student work, etc, which I had been promoting with all my might in umpteen interviews in the last two years. The principal opened the portfolio, and the first page was my teaching certificate from the state. He said "That's all I needed to see," closed the portfolio, and offered me the job on the spot.

I moved home with my parents - of course my house had just sold (I basically broke even, not incluing all the empty mortgage and utility payments). Within a couple months, my husband had found a job here and we moved him down. Throughout this time, we had managed to pay off both our cars, his student loan, and a nice chunk of the credit cards. We went house shopping and found our beautiful house. But we had the problem of his townhome. As we had lived there, we had watched the units around us foreclose and sit empty. We knew there was no way we would be able to sell it. We knew we couldn't carry it. After a lot of considering, we ultimately decided to sell to homevestors. I still believe this was the best option available to us, and am glad we did it. However, it left us with a >$40000 mortgage. I still had $10,000 left over from the sale of my house minus the downpayment on the new house and we put that toward the townhouse mortgage. My dad covered the rest, and that is the personal loan that I pay $560 to every month. It is still at least half what we would pay if we still had the town home, not including the headache.

The summer after we bought our house, our a/c blew in the midst of 115 deg weather. That was about $1000

A couple of years ago we refinanced our mortgage. We did have two loans (which was making me crazy) on 6.5 and 7.5 % I think. We were able to get an interest only loan with our interest at around 1.5. Our payments are only around 500-700 but we still pay the same $2000 a month. My dad put us onto this, I think he wanted us to pay the minimum and pay off our debts but that terrifies me, because eventually the market is going to come back, our interest rate will go up, and we will have to refi again, and we have to be able to afford that payment. However, we are able to pay off much more of our principal each month doing this. We have paid off $20,000 so far in that time. They gave us more money than the original two loans. We used that money to pay off credit cards (yes, I know now that was dumb but it felt good at the time). I fully intended to keep the cards paid off at the time, but we started to run into another bout of bad luck.

First, my car needed new shocks or struts or something which cost $1000. Then, a few months later BOTH our cars needed transmission work. Mine needed a whole new transmission aroun $2500 and my husband's needed a part - about $800. This all went on the credit card. Then we began a two year tour of Animal Emergency Rooms. First, my cat. She had feline leukemia. I was told she wouldn't make it to adulthood. She lived over 5 years without ever being sick for a day. Then she started having seizures. We had several trips to emergency rooms for this, and she was on phenobarbital. Then she started losing alarming amounts of weight, even though she still ate just fine. We managed to keep her relatively stable, until we lost her in April.

In January, my dog was diagnosed with diabetes. We had several emergency room visits for that, plus bi-monthly visits to the vet for glucose testing. He was on insulin and some other medications. When by April he still wasn't stabilizing, we had to go through further diagnostics, which revealed a tumor on his adrenal gland. If they had told me they could operate, I would have, but they basically told me he would not be with us much longer. This was the same day we later lost my cat. It was a horrible day. After that, he only had one more emergency visit for a sugar low, which they kept him for a whole weekend. He died in November. I don't want to add up all the vet bills over the last couple of years, but I am sure it would be close to $10000.

The night before I started my new job, my car was robbed in my own driveway. From what I can tell, they only took my phone, charger and Ipod, (and a lot of loose change) but they really could have gotten a lot more. (They even went through my new bag of work clothes, but I guess they didn't like any of it.) We did replace the phone and the charger, but not the Ipod. I asked for it for the holidays, but did not get it. I have some Amazon gift cards that I may use toward a new one, I haven't decided yet. I haven't felt the same about our supposedly very safe area, though.

So, we have a bit of credit card debt again. I do also want to mention that I have never been a minimum payment person. We were paying $2500 to our credit cards alone until I switched jobs and we couldn't afford to anymore, and now I have budgeted us a little differently. As I said, I am not taking advantage of my interest only mortgage. I always made payments to the student loans, even when in deferment. I have never had a creditor call. It is all just spending more than I am paying, and living beyond my means, along with a bit of bad luck.

Why now?

Before I start getting into the nitty gritty of the spending and the budgets, I want to give some backstory into why I am motivated, how we got here, and the sacrifices that I have resolved to make this year.

First and foremost, I need to mention that I have an anxiety disorder and I am prone to panic attacks. This is important because it was ultimately a panic attack that got my butt in gear. I am not on medication or seeking therapy at this time. This is a battle I have fought my whole life, and my first memory of money involves what I realize now was a panic attack. I was probably around 8 years old at the time, so I am not kidding when I say that this is a lifelong battle. It also illustrates my unhealthy relationship with money. I was going to spend the night with a family friend's daughter, and I was excited about it. We were going to go to Toys R Us, and this was right after they had opened the first Toys R Us here, so it was a really big deal to go. I knew we were going, but for whatever reason I did not feel like I could ask my mother for money for shopping. I do not know or remember now why that was. I had a bag of coins, mostly pennies, in my room ( I never got an allowance - My mom usually just got us what we needed or gave us money when we were going out, which is what makes this story so strange, but I have always had a problem asking for money, and also accepting it, which has led to some bigger problems lately, but that is another story). I took this bag with me to Toys R Us and picked out some items there, mostly stickers as I remember. I was so stressed out the whole time because I couldn't just get what I wanted, I wasn't sure exactly how much I had, and I was embarrassed to have a bag of pennies. When I got to the checkout, I had to count out every penny and I was holding up the line. I hadn't known to expect the sales tax, and so I did not have the money to pay for the things I had picked out. I had to put some things back and count it all out all over again.

That night I couldn't sleep. I had a bad feeling towards the things I had gotten and had no enjoyment in using them. I was sick over using all my money. I was embarrassed by the experience. I didn't know when I would ever have any money again (keep in mind, this was maybe $5 in change we are talking about, but to an 8 year old....). I got myself worked up into such a state that the mother came up and I couldn't verbalize to her what was wrong. I think ultimately my mother had to come get me late at night.

I don't think I have ever told that story before. And I didn't really intend to now. But there it is.


Our circumstances have changed recently. I used to be a teacher. I reached a point where, for a lot of reasons I won't go into now, I needed to change careers. I told myself I would teach one more year, but in that year I need to find some other plan. I spent a lot of time soul searching, and suddenly decided to enroll in community college for an accounting program. I kinda feel like I pulled that out of the air, but it really has been the best thing so far. I, as I am finding so many do, assumed my whole life that accounting = taxes. It doesn't. MY JOB HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TAXES. (I am getting kinda tired of people asking me if I am going to get real busy in January.) I became aware of this as our school bookkeeper suddenly got moved out of the reception office of our school, got her own office, and I started to pay attention to what she did, since I had always just assumed she enrolled and withdrew students, answered phones, and other secretarial duties. I also had to work with her on my program budgets and fundraising and so forth. For some reason, that simple act of her getting an office made her job seem so much more important and interesting.

When I started my accounting program, I knew relatively nothing about accounting. I had a pretty strong math foundation, and had originally been a computer science major in college (but dropped that). I stepped out on faith for probably the first time in my life, and so far it has worked out great. I found I really enjoyed the sort of anal, obsessive aspect of it. After teaching for nearly ten years and all the chaos that brought, I was ready for a quiet, controlled profession. I was the top of my class throughout my program, have a 4.0 GPA there, and finish next week. To do this, I had to sacrifice a lot of my time. I was going on maybe 5 hours of sleep throughout the school year. I left the house at 6:30 am and didn't return til 10 pm. I also took out what now feels like a really large student loan, however I told the school to return any excess (I need to check that they did) and I have been paying toward both my school loans the whole time.

I knew the economy was bad and that this was a huge risk. My last teaching paycheck came in September. I was terrified I wouldn't find another job, and even if I did, I knew it wouldn't pay anywhere near as well as teaching had. I was saving aggressively throughout that time, but when the market tanked and I lost most of the money in my Roth IRA, I dumped all of my savings into my Roth, hoping that it would pay off when the market came back. That's why I only have $2000 in savings now. I started looking for jobs in July and was so blessed because I ultimately got offered two jobs (one after I had already accepted the other). I started the job in October. (And I love it so far, but that's a whole different subject :)

Sometime after that, I started getting hooked on Suze Orman somehow. I am not sure why I happened to start watching her, but she has become my late-night Saturday laundry folding show. I don't always agree with everything she says, but she makes a lot of sense. I started to feel a sense of dread because she recommends an emergency savings of 8 months expenses. We don;t have even one, I think. I also knew our income was going way down because of the job change, and that we were going to have to address our spending at some point. What I finally realized in the midst of the panic attack I had at work the other day - where I came home and told my husband we both had to get weekend jobs and he refused and suggested I go back on medication - was that I have the tools now to look at our finances objectively. I know what an income statement is. I know what a budget is. I know how to balance things. This is what I do for my job now. Why can't I do it for my home? It is harder - because it is personal and it is really hard to look at what you have been spending and what you have been spending it on. When things have to be cut, it leads to squabbles. What I was shocked to find - as I will document here later - is that in October, we spent twice what we made, and I was able to come up with a (rather tight) budget that balances.

The numbers:

What and who we owe (as of last statements):

Husband's credit card: 5205.76
My Credit card: 3509.91 (eek. I already know that is lots higher now)
Other credit card: $549.69
Best Buy: $300 - some odd dollars (we don't get paper statements. This is the remainder of my computer which must be paid off by June)
Carpet: $1542 - we have 12 months to pay this off

Total Credit card debt: 11107.36
This is the minimum debt I intend to have paid off by the end of the year.

Other Debts:
These debts I consider Long Term Liabilities, since they are intended to be paid out over time and we are on payment plans for them. Once we get to a point where the other debts are paid off and we are living on cash, I will reevaluate increasing our payments to these loans.

Student Loan 1: 10449 As of last statement. This may not include my final term loan and the return of overage money from the school.
Student Loan 2: 5011.84
Personal family loan: 16063.72 I think (I may be off a month or two)

Total loan debt: 31524.56

Total debt: 42601.92

Oh, and that doesn't include our mortgage, which is at about $260,000

Savings: (Not including retirement, because I haven't even looked into those numbers yet and they are fluctuating wildly.)

My savings: I just locked myself out of my account. Great. It's around $2000
Husband's Savings: 4227.61

Total Savings: around 6000
Emergency savings goal: min $32,000
Min Goal by 2011: $8000 + 6000= $14,000

I will discuss all of this in greater detail over time.

Why am I starting this blog?

Total transparency. That is what they tell addicts and adulterers, isn't it? I am embarking on a journey to eliminate our debt and build our savings in the next year. The thing is, I know me. I have to be kept motivated and accountable, or this will be a forgotten resolution in two months time. Like the snuck cookie, I will buy things I don't need and not tell. Sometimes I spend money without even realizing it until the bill comes and I have to face what I bought. I have struggled with finances my whole life, my husband and I are both bad about managing our money and are instant gratification buyers. A lot of our debt is from unfortunate circumstances. A lot of it is our own fault. I will go into more detail in following posts.

I have started watching Suze Orman. I bought some of her books (on half.com for .75 cents+ shipping). I also watch the following program called "til Debt do us part". I have tried to make budgets in the past - I didn't know what I was doing, I have tried to pay down debt in the past, and there have been times when I have just told myself to "close my eyes and hand over the credit card". I have been very very poor, and I have been quite well off. I realized that now I have the tools to take an honest look at our money and our goals and develop plans and turn things around. It's the sticking to them that will be hard.

I plan to document our successes and failures here. I am going to lay it all out - how much we make, how much we spend, and how much we owe. I hope to celebrate the milestones and come here with my tail between my legs when I mess up, and resolve to get back on track. My mother would have a heart attack if she knew what I was planing to put out here in the cybernets for anyone to read. But, in doing research to convince myself to keep this blog, I have found that all kinds of people are doing the same thing. Some tell more details than others, and most owe a lot more than I do. Will anyone else read this than me? I don't know, and I don't really care. Maybe I will inspire someone. Maybe someone will inspire or encourage me. Ultimately, this is by me for me and I hope in a year I will read this and celebrate being on a new path.