This is gonna be one of those posts...

I did something bad, and now I am panicking about it. It is gonna be ok. It isn't That bad. I am just beating myself up for it.

Several years ago, I was in an ebay bidding war for an OOAK doll. While I have seen many dolls by this artist (and later did get another one), this is the most beautiful one I have seen. Even though the artist usually sells her dolls for around $400, this one ended up going for around $90. I dropped out, but if I had upped my bid one more time, I would have won. I know this because as it turned out, I knew the woman who won her. She said she had also entered her last bid and walked away, as had I (I was going out) and hers was just a bit higher than mine. I have kicked myself over that for years, but took comfort in knowing where the doll ended up.

Over the years, this woman seems to have lost interest in dolls. I don't know what the deal is exactly, but she fell out of the American Girl community, and sold off a lot of that collection. She got big into Ellowyne (which is what these dolls are) and worked so much with this Ellowyne artist that she even helped to design a line of clothing with her for them. She has become close friends with her. But, she slowly over the years sold off her Ellowynes as well. She got heavy into BJDs for a while, and sold those off too. I don't understand the part where you invest heavily in these collections, lose interest, and sell. I have a very hard time selling my collections.

Anyway, she had three Ellowynes left, and the doll I had wanted was one of them. She posted them all for sale a couple weeks ago. I inquired, and she remembered that I had been bidding on this doll. She wanted $200!! I had hoped that since she got a deal on the doll, she wouldn't be pricing her so high! I told her I couldn't afford that, and she told me she would let me know if she didn't sell.

Tonight, she emailed me to tell me she was about to list her on Ebay for $150 and would I like her for $140 (+shipping, it turns out)? I have $60 in my personal spending account. But of course, there are several things I want to buy. Including clearance Ellowyne things from the company. I went back and forth on it. I can't believe she didn't sell (The other two did) and I feel like she is meant to be mine. I told her I would take her. I guess I have to start rooting around for things to sell now too.

It is very very hard living on so tight a budget. This is exactly why I planned to give us another "raise" next month. It's like dieting. You can't completely deprive yourself for such long periods of time. We don't go out, we can't buy fun things... and every little thing we have to do is a stress about the cost and the budget. It's been 6 months of this. I believe you need to let up on the reigns from time to time. It is just hard to do when I want so badly to achieve my big goal. And when things like this happen which are once-in-a-lifetime, it is hard to pass up. It is not the end of the world, or even the end of the money. It just isn't wise use of money, and it means putting off other things I was planning to get. Again. And so I beat myself up.

We will be paying off the last credit card in 10 days. We are really psyched about that. I spent some time today "what-if"ing a best case scenerio on a baby, and it really throws off everything. It is shocking how much a baby (specifically daycare) is going to slow us down. I don't know how poor people do it. But - all fodder for a different post. The point is, things happen, life happens, and I guess you have to roll with it. I feel like if we aren't going to be debt free by April, the credit cards are the important part to me, and does it really matter beyond that?

I guess even in the face of accomplishing my first goal, I am having a rough time right now. I need to feel some success at something. I am scared. Of every possible outcome.