Thoughts as we come to the end of the year...

Heh. The first one is, I made it! I haven't used the credit card for over a year. And, until maybe this month, I haven't even been tempted. Living on a budget works.... if you stick to it. We have come a long way. I am proud of what we have accomplished, though at the same time, I feel beaten up. It is hard, now especially, to stick to the budget, and I have been overspending lately.

We found out we are having a boy. Even though I wanted a girl, just knowing this suddenly made the pregnancy so much more real. I also started feeling him move in the last few weeks, and have started really showing in the last week or so (though I really just look really fat, I think). I am wanting to buy stuff for the baby and worrying about big ticket items. I have been going over budget and my account is suffering for it. BUT I drew the line at the credit card. I did spend some money that was sitting in my account for car repairs, though. And it isn't like I went crazy... I bought some clearance clothes at Target and some cloth diapers and I am making the nursery linens, so I bought fabric (which I still don't have enough of). But when you are on a tight budget, and when I really have myself focused on being able to pay a lot off this summer, it is hard to carve out even a little bit.

We have also gotten hit at work - Neither one of us got bonuses or raises. Although, my husband's job has "promised" retoractive raises and bonuses in June. He thinks this means layoffs are coming, though it is unlikely he will be laid off. In addition, our insurance premiums are skyrocketing. They are going up $150 in January and another $150 when the baby comes, so we are essentially taking a big paycut. I don't know what is up with my job. They refuse to admit we are hurting, but it is a huge deal that we got screwed in both raises and bonuses and we saw several large rounds of layoffs this year. I also feel I am terribly underpaid for what I do for them, and feel I deserve an additional raise to balance that out. I was surprised I didn't get it, and am debating at what point I need to ask for it. I just feel I am not in a bargaining position right now. That may change next fall. I really think I will be looking for another job by then, not just because of money but also because I spend 2-3 hours commuting everyday. I am having a hard time justifying that knowing I will have a baby this time next year. I keep playing with the stay at home scenario budget, but I just can't do it. Not only do I not really want to be a stay at home mom, we would be cut to nothing. I don't think it is worth it. It is worth it to find a better paying and/or closer to home job though, even though I ultimately love my job and am very comfortable there.

Making things worse, my laptop finally gave up the ghost this weekend. My husband keeps talking about getting me a new one, but I hate spending that money. All I can think about are all the other expenses we have coming up.

Looking back, I said there were three things, I think, that I wouldn't be able to do and still pay off debt:

1. Buy dolls: Well, I did. I am not entirely sure, but I think I bought three dolls this year, and minimal doll accessories. While this is certainly more than zero, it is a whole lot less than the several hundred dollars a month I was spending before. There have been many things I have had to pass on and watch retire, even though I really wanted it. There's always ebay? It did get easier once I got pregnant, though. It is a lot harder to justify these sorts of purchases knowing I need things like cribs and bottles.

2. Get a dog: Well, I did. Barely made it a few months on that one. He was expensive initially, and has been lately because I am taking him to training classes before the baby comes. But, overall, he has not been an overwhelming financial impact. I think after having such an old, sick, expensive dog for so long, I forget that the younger ones aren't generally as expensive. We have also built up a good savings fund for pet expenses. With everyone's shots coming due in the next few months, I am much more calm about handling that than I was this time last year.

3. No 5th anniversary in Hawaii: Yeah. We had to let this one go. There was no way. We did spend a nice week at my parent's beach house using money we saved for that purpose. I spent a lot of time on the beach, reading books, and getting pregnant. :) Maybe for our 10th we can do Hawaii?

4. No baby: Well, I did. Well.... I will. My arrangement with myself was that we would start trying once the credit cards were paid off, which is what we did. It took a few months to get pregnant, which allowed me to also pay off one of the loans. It did not take anywhere near as much time as I thought it would though. I thought we would be seeking medical treatments at this point, but I guess we were very lucky that it did not come to that. It does, however, throw off my 14 month to debt freedom plan, and I have had a hard time dealing with the realities of that. I hate stretching the money stuff out so much longer, and baby expenses, daycare, and maternity leave are all going to make it even longer.

So. I guess the lesson here is that even though you get on a budget, and by definition you have to sacrifice, you do not have to pass on the important things. I was still able to get some fun things - not as much as I wanted to or would have a year ago, but didn't have to give it up entirely. And the important things, like animals and babies, can still be worked in and worked around. You just have to be flexible and plan.

I think back to the first few months, when we were really getting by on nothing. When buying my book club book was my entire "fun money" allotment. When a month with five weeks cropped up and we ran out of gas and grocery money. When I had to pay vet bills with no pet fund cushion. When a leaking roof was the end of the world. When a hotel and plane for my cousin's wedding was a huge deal. I am griping about how low our sinking fund is now that we used it for it's purpose: Christmas gifts. But I am still entering January with around $300 in it, which is $300 more than I had last January! We have been through a lot, and we have come a long way, and we have been able to increase things, like gas and fun money, as things have been paid off or income increased (fat chance).

This has gotten long, so I suppose I will post my looking ahead thoughts separately.

This is gonna be one of those posts...

I did something bad, and now I am panicking about it. It is gonna be ok. It isn't That bad. I am just beating myself up for it.

Several years ago, I was in an ebay bidding war for an OOAK doll. While I have seen many dolls by this artist (and later did get another one), this is the most beautiful one I have seen. Even though the artist usually sells her dolls for around $400, this one ended up going for around $90. I dropped out, but if I had upped my bid one more time, I would have won. I know this because as it turned out, I knew the woman who won her. She said she had also entered her last bid and walked away, as had I (I was going out) and hers was just a bit higher than mine. I have kicked myself over that for years, but took comfort in knowing where the doll ended up.

Over the years, this woman seems to have lost interest in dolls. I don't know what the deal is exactly, but she fell out of the American Girl community, and sold off a lot of that collection. She got big into Ellowyne (which is what these dolls are) and worked so much with this Ellowyne artist that she even helped to design a line of clothing with her for them. She has become close friends with her. But, she slowly over the years sold off her Ellowynes as well. She got heavy into BJDs for a while, and sold those off too. I don't understand the part where you invest heavily in these collections, lose interest, and sell. I have a very hard time selling my collections.

Anyway, she had three Ellowynes left, and the doll I had wanted was one of them. She posted them all for sale a couple weeks ago. I inquired, and she remembered that I had been bidding on this doll. She wanted $200!! I had hoped that since she got a deal on the doll, she wouldn't be pricing her so high! I told her I couldn't afford that, and she told me she would let me know if she didn't sell.

Tonight, she emailed me to tell me she was about to list her on Ebay for $150 and would I like her for $140 (+shipping, it turns out)? I have $60 in my personal spending account. But of course, there are several things I want to buy. Including clearance Ellowyne things from the company. I went back and forth on it. I can't believe she didn't sell (The other two did) and I feel like she is meant to be mine. I told her I would take her. I guess I have to start rooting around for things to sell now too.

It is very very hard living on so tight a budget. This is exactly why I planned to give us another "raise" next month. It's like dieting. You can't completely deprive yourself for such long periods of time. We don't go out, we can't buy fun things... and every little thing we have to do is a stress about the cost and the budget. It's been 6 months of this. I believe you need to let up on the reigns from time to time. It is just hard to do when I want so badly to achieve my big goal. And when things like this happen which are once-in-a-lifetime, it is hard to pass up. It is not the end of the world, or even the end of the money. It just isn't wise use of money, and it means putting off other things I was planning to get. Again. And so I beat myself up.

We will be paying off the last credit card in 10 days. We are really psyched about that. I spent some time today "what-if"ing a best case scenerio on a baby, and it really throws off everything. It is shocking how much a baby (specifically daycare) is going to slow us down. I don't know how poor people do it. But - all fodder for a different post. The point is, things happen, life happens, and I guess you have to roll with it. I feel like if we aren't going to be debt free by April, the credit cards are the important part to me, and does it really matter beyond that?

I guess even in the face of accomplishing my first goal, I am having a rough time right now. I need to feel some success at something. I am scared. Of every possible outcome.

My doll arrived today!

I have waited almost 6 months for this doll to arrive. He is one of the catalysts which started this whole journey. He is paid for. And he is finally here. I may as well enjoy and share him, yeah? :)

(He doesn't stand real well on his own)

December Income Statement

All the December statements finally came and I was able to make the December income statement this weekend. Some problems with my computer held up my scanning abilities.

Income: Other income includes my bonus from work, which I didn't know I was going to get. I used it to pay for my doll.

Fixed Expenses: Charged for three insurance installments again this month, also renewed triple - a.

Debt Repayment: Pretty standard. Paid off cc6.

Variable Expenses: December is the month of gift - giving, and we spent nearly $400. And that was me giving bare bones. Ugh. No pet expenses for the first time in a long time. My husband had to pay $20 each way to take a bag to visit his parents *BS*. The doll expenses include my expensive custom doll I wrote about before, and also Karito Kids showed up at Tuesday Morning at 70% off, so I went wild buying those up. The clothing is my bridesmaid dress for the wedding in May. I sponsored an Angel Tree child, and that was my December charity. Med is my birth control, which I had to pay out of pocket, because I had used up my flex card. Cash was cash for my husband's taxi to his parents' and also my December lunch/vending/spending money.

Summary: If we took out the gifts and the dolls, we still don't quite balance, but its a lot closer. I was surprised it was as off as it was. Looking at October - December, I think it is safe to say we were probably overspending by approximately $1000-$1500 a month. However, we may have actually been balancing on my old salary, and just hadn't made the adjustment to less income. Can't wait to see how January looks!

What we like to spend our money on

Now that I have given my sob story, let me tell the fun part of our spending; the part we are going to miss.

My Husband: Buys everything electronic. He loves the latest computer gadets and games. He is a gamer. He plays World of Warcraft and many others. He is never without his computer. He also very much likes to go to Kroger about 6 times a week. He is the grocery shopper and cook in our family. I think he was a little surprised to find we are spending 6-700 a month on groceries, but tried to explain it as the family holiday dinners. He doesn't spend a lot otherwise, though he does take random and sometimes pricy trips to Walmart and the like from time to time.

Me: I have never met a bargain I didn't like. I rarely almost never pay full price for anything. I am a bargain/clearance rack/off season shopper. I get so much more for my money that way. Of course, I put those bargain purchases on credit cards. I can also get sucked into buying something I may or may not need just because it is on a good sale or I have coupons or free shipping or whatever.

My other downfall is my collections & ebay. I have always been a collector, but during our poor times broke the habit. I didn't look at ebay at all. I didn't buy frivolous stuff. Before we got married, I was big into vintage purses. I don't buy those as often anymore (in fact, I think I have bought one since we got married) partly because they are expensive, partly because my interests have changed, partly because they are getting harder to find. But they are still special to me and displayed in my home.

Now I am into dolls. I have a large American Girl collection, which has really been my downfall the last couple years. I also collect Ellowyne Wilde, Karito Kids, and ball jointed dolls, which are particularly pricy. In the past year I have only bought one AG doll (on sale), one Ellowyne doll (a custom repaint off ebay) and one ball jointed doll which I had paid on layaway (onto my credit card). I don't feel that that is unreasonable, but I have spent hundreds of dollars on stuff for my dolls - particularly my AG dolls. American girl is retiring dolls and things especially fast lately. Last fall, I was buying up things for Samantha before she retired. This fall, it was Kirsten. I have most of Kirsten's collection already, but didn't have three of the priciest items. I only got two of them, but that was around $250 right there. I only buy AG stuff on sale or free shipping, but when those are options, I do spend a lot.

My doll habit is going to have to be the first thing to go. I have budgeted a very small discretionary amount for each of us, but it isn't going to begin to give me what I am going to want to spend. Already, there is an Ellowyne doll and outfit on the WI site that I have wanted for years that is on last call & sale, and I have to sit on my hands not to get her. Speculation is that American Girl may retire two dolls next year. Ouch. All that stuff I will have to pay elevated prices on ebay later. I have a BJD doll head that doesn't have a body. She will have to stay that way another year. I am just trying to tell myself how good it will feel to be able to pay cash for my purchases in the future, to know I can afford them, and not have to stress about the credit cards going up.

In the interest of full disclosure, I did buy a very expensive doll this week. This is a doll I have wanted for a year and a half. I struggled with this decision, and is in part what sent me on this debt-free panic-attack path. He is in final production and will never be available again, except possibly on second hand markets. He is a limited edition of 20. In the world. (Justification, justification). He is very special, and I am at peace now with my decision to get him. Was it the smartest use of my money? Hell no. Does it appear to minimize my committment to my 2010 plan? Probably. But it doesn't. Think of it as that big "last meal" before you start a diet. I paid for him in full and in cash. And I don't expect to get another doll in 2010 or until we are credit card debt free and I can pay cash in full again.