In making our budget I did not consider my job could complicate some things. I learned this week that we "celebrate" the birthdays of people on our team by ordering food and paying for it ourselves. Nevermind that I am constantly writing out checks for various lunch events my firm hosts. We have to pay for our birthday lunches (except the bday kid). God forbid the event happens off site - then we have to clock out and have no control over how long it takes. (Still have to clock out anyway, but at least people start getting antsy once the half hour is up and we can trickle out).
This revelation sent me in a real spiral. I was very tortured over this decision. Sure, I could choose not to order but still show up with my own lunch. And now that seems like the obvious answer. I have so much social anxiety. When we had the work Christmas party, I was having headaches and stomach aches all day beforehand. I was scared to go. I am so insecure and I have a hard time conversing with people I don't know, which makes making friends really hard. I tend to keep to myself, which might make me look like a bitch, I donno. I just like to stay out of the way and do my thing. But when I do have a conversation that seems to be going well, I get so excited and go into overdrive and can say some crazy things, or be unable to shut up. So, I keep my mouth closed in uncomfortable situations.
Anyway, all this anxiety about a work affair and the unknown played into it. After being in a frenzy to my husband over it, he suggested I take the money from miscellaneous. I was still tortured about it, but I did, and ordered a $7 turkey burger. However, after tax, tip (why are we tipping with take-away?) and probably a dollar for the birthday-boy's meal, it was $10. Two people did not order - one being my boss. (she eats turkey on rice cakes. It grosses me out). A third ordered from the restaurant in the building instead. We all sat at a table together and kibbutzed a little bit. After about a half an hour, things broke up. I only ate half my sandwitch so I was able to eat the other half the next day for lunch.
I learned that there are two more birthdays and a goodbye coming up in the next couple weeks. I can't be spending money every time. So I will have the confidence now to bring my own lunch and still show up. Just showing up is a huge effort for me. It gives me so much anxiety and I really have to force myself to do it. It is rediculous that at my age this is still going on. I have an event tomorrow that I have been planning to go to for a couple of months. A few days ago I started coming up with all kinds of reasons why I couldn't/shouldn't go. That's when I know I have to force myself. Sometimes I give in, sometimes I don't. I am just nervous because I don't know anyone there and I am going alone. The money thing just seems to give me more excuse to skip things. Interestingly, I have also managed to set up dates with three friends over the next few weeks. Again, not good for the wallet, but a necessary evil for me. I enjoy seeing them when I am there... but I get so nervous beforehand. And when I burrow, months can go by and I won't see or communicate with friends. Then they start to think I don't care or I am mad. It is important to have the social connections, I really want to have good friends in my life, it is just a real effort to put myself out there.
...not entirely about money. I am just analyzing my relationship with money and it leads to these other revelations.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment